Some of my favorite memories growing up were with my parents - establishing my identity while trying to be just like them. I can't imagine my reaction if it that reality was taken away. If I somehow found out that the people that I thought were my parents weren't actually my parents. How would I react? What feelings would I have about the people that raised me? It's important to understand that these are the problems that adopted children and teens face on a daily basis.
Adopted children are constantly wondering who they are as people. Additionally, studies show that they think about their birth parents more than they feel comfortable talking about, and more than their parents probably realize. What they need are parents who are exceptionally comfortable disclosing information about their adoption, and who aren't threatened or afraid of the fallout of the discussion. In reality, all adopted teens want to know is about themselves and their pasts.
As the adult, one must best serve your adopted teens by being up front and open-minded. A parent should not let their teen be surprised with the information that they are about to receive, because that implies shame or a secret - both of which are harmful to the feelings of everyone involved.
Additionally, one must put their child above their own fears, losses, and needs. Waiting until later to discuss these issues can create a void in any relationship. A parent must let their adopted child know that they don't love them any less because of their issues. Instead, the child should know that their adoptive parent(s) is completely open to any questions that the child may have.
One of the many questions that adopted parents have is how much they should disclose to their adopted teen. The answer is simple: The child should be told about what you know. This information generally includes genetic histories, their birth and adoption circumstances, and information that might be difficult to share.
We call this the adoptive triad (Hence the name Three Points Center). We acknowledge the importance of the adoption triad — which connectively triangulates the relationship between the birth parent(s), adoptive parent(s), and adopted individual. Three Points Center utilizes this triad as the solid foundation onto which we have built our entire approach.
When a parent is struggling with sharing negative information, one thing to remember is that the adopted child looks to them for support, advice, and mediation. If a parent chooses not to share, it will enable the child to create or imagine a situation that is possibly much worse than the reality. If a parent discloses the information early on, the adoptive teenager will understand more about their situation as they grow older. This includes the ability to consider multiple scenarios and come to terms with what happened in ways that they understand and have had time to cope with.
Adoptive parents should help prepare their teenager for these issues, and cause them to know that they are supported and loved, no matter what. The child must be assured that there is no shame in adoption. Help your adopted teenager understand that the information is theirs to keep, and that they don't have to share it. At the same time, if they want to share it, it is their right.
Three Points Center is a Residential Treatment Program designed specifically for adopted teens who are struggling. For a free consultation call, you can reach us at (435) 635-0636.