What ill-advised method of parenting have you embraced that now seems to be ruining your kids for life? With so many fads, it is hard to keep it straight. Below are a few options to indentify your parenting style(s):
HELICOPTER PARENTING: You hover frantically over your child at all times, shredding pigeons in your rotating blades.
FREE-RANGE PARENTING: Your children eat grass and roam at will so that their flesh will become more tender and juicy than that of their cage-bred counterparts.
LAWNMOWER/SNOWPLOW PARENTING: You knock all obstacles out of your child’s path like a — bulldozer? Why didn’t they go with bulldozer when naming this parenting style? Lawnmowers and snowplows aren’t the same thing at all! Make sure you’re doing the one that is right for your climate.
TIGER PARENTING: You are maniacally devoted to your child’s excellence in all things and will fight your child tooth and nail until that child gets into Harvard.
FREE-RANGE TIGER PARENTING: Children can roam at will but must drag pianos with them to practice.
FREE-RANGE HELICOPTER PARENTING: Children can roam at will but you hover overhead in a helicopter.
FREE-RANGE ATTACHMENT PARENTING: Children can wander anywhere at will and you just happen to be there too.
TIGER ATTACHMENT PARENTING: To help with discipline, your child is attached to a live tiger.
HELICOPTER TIGER PARENTING: OH GOD, WHO’S PILOTING THAT THING? It’s a BIG CAT!
TRUMP PARENTING: “I’m the best parent, the greatest, and your childhood is going to be huge!” you tell your child, repeatedly, for 18 years, offering no other guidance.
IRONIC HIPSTER PARENTING: You’re screwing up your child on purpose.
LOCAVORE PARENTING: You only eat local children.
PARENTING 90X: This parenting technique looks a lot more doable when the guy in the video does it.
OUTSOURCE HELICOPTER PARENTING: You hire someone else to micromanage your children’s lives.
LAWNMOWER ATTACHMENT PARENTING: You chew up life before feeding it to your child.
FRENCH PARENTING: Where are my children? Give me wine.
DICKENS PARENTING: Children are orphans.
DISNEY PARENTING: One parent is mysteriously deceased but the other one is voiced by James Earl Jones.
LION PARENTING: Everything the light touches is yours, you tell your child, before being stampeded to death by wildebeests.
BACKSEAT PARENTING: You let the child make all his own decisions, then second-guess them.
JOAN CRAWFORD PARENTING: All your parenting decisions are bad, but your child is at least getting a good memoir out of it.
TWITCH PLAYS PARENTING: It COULD work.
SONDHEIM PARENTING: Sing out, Louise!
SIMS PARENTING: Child sometimes plays chess for three days straight, but equally child also sometimes plays video games for three days straight. No one wants to talk about pirates with him. Oh no, the pool ladder’s gone!
SOUL CYCLE PARENTING: You leave child at home to go to Soul Cycle.
TRADITIONAL PARENTING: You have six children and all of them perish before age 4. You are a serf.
BIBLE-BASED PARENTING: You have 11 sons. Ten of them sell the 11th into slavery because they are angry about his fashion choices.
SITCOM PARENTING: Oh, Dad!
PHILOSOPHICAL PARENTING: Because I said so, that’s why.
PRINCETON MOM PARENTING: “WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED YET? YOUR YOUTH IS SLIPPING AWAY!” you shout, as your daughter emerges from the womb.
DADA PARENTING: You find someone else’s child and write R. Mutt on him.
SURREALIST PARENTING: Your child is a lobster.
KAFKA PARENTING: When your child won’t come out of his room, you assume that it is because he has transformed into a monstrous vermin.
MOMA PARENTING: Your child is not a child but an art installation! You are Tilda Swinton.
SHARKNADO PARENTING: Your parenting is so bad it’s good.
OBJECTIVIST PARENTING: You do not live for your children, nor do you ask your children to live for you. Stop crying, Little Roark, and let enlightened self-interest guide you.
Although this may be an obvious "tongue-in-cheek" write up, many parents are concerned about their troubled teenager.
Here at Three Points Center, we work with adopted teenagers, and understand the common issues that adopted children face every day. We help adopted teen's deal with their adoption-related problems in a healthy and productive way.
To find out more, call our family advocates at (435) 635-0636.